This week I’ve not wanted to do any “adulting”. And it’s not due to nostalgia from childhood, those carefree days where I’d capture adventure in every corner. Adulthood is just not what I had imagined it to be. What did I envision? I didn’t spend my adolescence visualizing it. I didn’t spend it devising a plan. I don’t recall even striving to be an adult. All I wanted was the freedom that I thought it provided. Meaning, not having to ask for permission or needing anyone’s approval. And although as an adult you are free to make your own choices, you aren’t completely free. Especially if you have a family. The choices we make, at times, come at a cost.
Throughout my adult life, when things have been hard or confusing and especially in this past year, I’ve questioned all my choices in retrospect. I’ve admonished myself. I’ve considered what I’ve given up, what I didn’t settle for and what I did. And I sometimes wonder, where did I go? Perhaps that question really only applies to times like these. The hardships. I haven’t always felt lost.
Little by little I’ve let go of pieces of a picture of what I thought life would be. I’ve learned that not everyone will understand or approve of the way I see the world. We grow out of and we grow into things. This is how we change and evolve as the years’ pass, I suppose.
Some say the real adventure is adulthood because of the independence. It doesn’t always feel exhilarating though, and this week, it felt sad. (Sometimes I still fight with the dark, a remnant of younger days.)
There’s a strong pull to move forward, but right now everything really feels like standing still to me.